I was listening to a radio “call “last week and a gentleman rang in to comment on his wife having lost her sex drive and the difficulties this was creating in their relationship.
Sadly, this couple are not alone.
More and more of us as we trundle ahead in the demands of a busy, head-istic, goal orientated society are losing connection with our sense of self, our bodies, our sexuality and in turn our partners. Divorce rates are climbing, infidelity is seen as the norm and 2 out of 3 women have never had an orgasm.
I remember my father always saying to me as a girl, “if I haven’t got it, I can’t give it to you.” Of course he was talking about money, but it runs true with all areas of life. If we do not have or know our own body, our own sense of self, our own sexy … how can we share it?
So our sex life runs dry.
Sex in a relationship, I feel is essential. It is intimate time with the person we love, that we choose to live this moment with. It is a time to reconnect, to appreciate, to cherish and to feel close … a moment when nothing else exists for us but that person. It is the glue, the intimate glue that keeps the relationship nourished and fresh … and provides all that relationship needs to survive.
I recently worked with the most amazing couple in their 70’s, having the best sex of their lives, every day. Yes, every day, they take the time to connect. To them it is as essential as brushing their teeth. From making sex part of their daily life, their days run smoothly. Their finances are abundant. Their focus is clear. They are creative. They do not argue. They are totally in harmony with each other. They look youthful and joyful. Their energy levels are sky high. And most of all they eyes twinkle!
So what have they done to get this?
Bill and Annie explored Tantra.
Why is Tantra different to our run of the mill idea of sex?
Tantra is not about sex for hours, neither is it hippy sex. It is most simply allowing the experience of sex to be nourishing and pure pleasure to the whole person, mentally, sensually, emotionally, physically and spiritually, rather than the focus being totally on the genitals and on the set goals of orgasm and ejaculation. In fact, there is no goal. All our ideas of performance, pleasing and pleasuring another, giving another an orgasm are to be drooped.
It’s about letting go of shame, guilt, our ideas of perfection and dropping our boundaries. Allowing ourselves to be seen, known and deeply touched. Making room for our experiences to become more … so the search for more no longer exists. We Leave our mind and all its issues and list of to do’s outside the bedroom door. Which is often hard to do but staying stagnant and dry is harder and losing touch with the one you love can be soul destroying.
Tantra works fast, I mean if you put the homework time in, live unravels very quickly and it’s worth it. It depends how much you want it, and if you are willing to shift through the shitty bits and be honest firstly with yourself to get there.
But the results … Well Bill and Annie with eyes full of sparkle and smiles as big as the Cheshire Cat. Just the way Annie looked when she said to me “we have sex every day” is enough to make another have what they do.
So how are we going to get this juicy started?
Here are three simple steps I would like you to try for one week and not look for a big dynamic changes, but just noticing the subtle differences in the way you feel inside your own skin and next to your lovers.
Please note that the answers are always, always simple, it is the human mind that tries to make things too difficult or too complicated or believes the solution must be harder than it is.
For yourself every morning and every evening and throughout the day when you feel your head taking control of your energy, just place your hand on your belly and FEEL the breath, FEEL your belly rising and falling.
Why? This takes your focus out of your head and into your body, it takes you away from thinking and into feeling. It allows nourishment and breathe to reach the sexual organs rather than just feeding your brain. And it brings presence, something we need when re-fueling our sex life.
Preferably every night but at least 3 times out of your experimental week.
Lie in spoon position with your partner and breathe deeply into your belly.
And now synchronise your breathing.
Make a date night. Light candles, soft music. Prepare your lover a tray of delights that ignite all the senses and cover it up so neither knows what to expect.
For example: Strawberries, cucumber, mango, dark chocolate, ice cream, warm mint tea, wine, something silky or cold or soft to touch.
Sit naked with each other or in light clothing.
Decide who is to go first and with your lover’s eyes closed, you offer the strawberry to his nose to smell, his lips to taste…. The warmth of the cup in his hands, the warmth of the mint tea in his mouth, to touch the silkiness of the fabric …. All with his eyes closed so that the senses awaken, creating a sensual, internal body experience.
And then it’s your turn to close your eyes.
Finish with simple touch of each other and smelling each other with your eyes closed.
The gift of this exercise to awaken all the senses to give a sensual experience of each other and foods, as we rely on and loose so much by focusing only visual stimulant.
So … go ahead, simply play with these ideas with a sense of curiosity and allow yourself to be open to subtle changes that open new us to new experiences.
I would love to hear your feedback x