Experiencing the fear of intimacy can have a crippling effect on our daily life. 

Often it leaves us isolated from others and untouched by the nourishment and joy of relationships as a way to preserve self from stepping into what terrifies and overwhelms.

I have been reflecting on the fear of intimacy of late, exploring the possibilities of a deeper truth to why it becomes the primary internal narrative to a person’s existence. 

We think of intimacy as being close to another as a prelude for sex. We hear people say “there is just no intimacy in our relationship “, which I feel limits us to not only the vast Tapas of experiences that intimacy is available to us but also focuses on a surface symptom of a relationship rather than the core messenger.

Intimacy in truth means to be seen and known. 

It is human nature to desire to be seen and known, for when we are available to intimacy and met in the purity of that space, we are profoundly present and connected to another, be that a lover, a friend, a child, a parent, the world. 

There is a sweetness so divine, so innocent to being seen and “seeing “. 

A rich depth of connection that is only available when we show up to be met without guards and stories, agendas and fear.

Causes of the fear of intimacy:

On the outside, we are able to reason why a fear of intimacy may be effecting our present experience.

It may be:

A traumatic past experience in which we felt violated, humiliated, powerless, vulnerable.

A past experience in which we reached out and were met with rejection, judgement, abandonment.

It may be:

We judge, critique and feel our own bodies or personalities to be unlovable, undesirable, wrong, imperfect.

It may be

We fear being too close to others because we have lost someone we loved and adored in the past and wish to protect self from further heartbreak.

It may be

We feel awkward, and uncertain of how to behave, how to be, what to do, with the anxiety we will humiliate ourselves.

What stands in the way of intimacy?

When attempting to move beyond the fear of intimacy, we often put our energy and focus on “self and other” with the attitude that intimacy can only be a double act and an act of sex.

Yet I believe if we can shift our focus away from other and sex, and develop an experience of intimacy with self, what stands in the way of experiencing intimacy with others and the world around us has permission to dissolve.

Shame is the wall that hinders us from allowing ourselves to being seen and known and trusting we will be embraced and met with love. 

It is what we hide of ourselves, because we believe that aspect of who we are is wrong, not enough and unlovable…

How can we sustain a true quality of intimacy, when we wear masks of shame that keep us on a self perpetuated pattern and therefore do not allow who we truly are in full to be known.

Intimacy is not something we do, it is an experience we allow.

It is a silent invitation we move towards, when we have let go of the limiting beliefs that any part of us deserves to be swaddled in the weight of shame.

Steps to move beyond the fear of intimacy. 

Self reflect on how you think and feel about yourself. Your body.

Are there aspects of your, your body that you believe are wrong, imperfect, unloveable?

What parts of who you are do you keep hidden from others? Why?

What do you fear would be the response of others?

What past experience is being projected into the future as truth?

After spending time in self reflection, be curious … allow yourself to touch your own skin, with love.

What part of your body does your inner dialogue change from love and appreciation to self judgement? Can you pause, hold and love this part of you?

Shame loosens its grip as we reintegrate and love those parts of who we are that were deemed unloveable.