This is a guest post from my client Claire. You can read her previous blog here
Following on from my last post, I came back from our joint talk with Michelle, revved up and raring to go and blurted out to Dave – “Why don’t you visit Michelle alone to work on your own stuff as well as what we do together?”
He replied, “Yeah, I’d been thinking about that”.
And that’s when the tantric meltdown hit me.
I’d just invited my new bloke to go and be touched in a safe and loving but sensual way by another woman. Without me there. Am I fucking mad?
I made a swift exit and proceeded to torture myself with all kinds of shitty thoughts on the drive back to where I was housesitting, sobbing occasionally.
Mentally knowing something and emotionally accepting it is another thing altogether
Mentally I know that him being initiated into Tantra by Michelle, an authentic and professional Tantric Therapist, will be an amazing experience for him and help him push through personal blocks so much quicker than with me, if I could ever do that for him.
But still..
Here’s the pile of emotional crap that came up for me, in no particular order
- He’ll have such an amazing time he will find me dull in comparison
- Will he no longer be present with me during intimate moments and instead be thinking about his time with her?
- I hate not being able to give him what she does (yet)
- Is he doing it just because he wants to be touched by her?
- I have major trust issues due to previous relationship events, so will this cause a rift in something that is pretty damn fucking special to me?
- Already I’m feeling past relationship stuff coming to the surface to taunt me, will it just get worse?
- Will I be able to cope with the reality of knowing someone else is pleasuring him too, although I know it’s in a different way?
- Will it end things between us?
- Will he still find me attractive and want me?
- I don’t want to feel excluded – I feel like a kid in the playground not being allowed to join in the game – rejected.
- She may end up knowing stuff about him that I don’t
- Why can’t he wait, what’s the rush?
Basically I was feeling very insecure and massively jealous. My head was saying – don’t be so selfish but the child in me was stamping her feet something rotten and the teenager was wringing her hands and wailing dramatically in despair.
I kept asking myself:
WHAT HAVE I DONE?
WHY HAVE I SET THIS IN MOTION?
WHYYYYY?
And then I realised that all the above summed up the feeling – I’m not good enough. Or even shorter – I’m not enough.
Time to act like a grown up
I’m a bit shit about talking about my feelings. Whenever I do I feel my throat constrict and tears try and surface and I don’t like to cry in front of other people. So I tend to swallow it back down and stay silent.
However, after hardly sleeping – VERY unusual for me – I decided I had to talk to Dave about it.
I went over to see him and immediately he could see there was something wrong. Wound up? Moi? I guess the tension was coming off me like waves in a storm and so I just blurted it all out.
I felt so selfish.
And he was great and just listened. I felt heard and understood and then we talked about it. He could see I was struggling, as in essence, I felt we’d chosen in a way, to open our relationship by involving another person on our tantric journey. And I’m very monogamous.
He told me he didn’t want to jeopardise what we had, he loves me and was only doing this as I’d said it was what I wanted. Which was true. FFS.
Eventually I relaxed enough to let him hold me and after a while I felt ok and went home.
The next day
Dave texted me first thing saying he’d thought about it all and will cancel his initial session with Michelle. We can then talk to her again about moving forward in another way.
I thought.. GREAT! And then I asked myself what would be in his best interests? And mine. I wanted to have a new type of relationship – one that’s open and honest and whole. Not ruled by negative emotions like jealousy or my own insecurities.
I rang Michelle.
I told her what I’d told him and what my fears were and she was really patient with me. She explained that the over-riding feeling that men go away with is one of peace. And I want that for him. I love him. So I texted him and told him to keep his appointment.
I’m also going to go for a women’s Tantric initiation with Michelle on my own. To understand it all better. To hopefully quell or dispel my fears. To journey into becoming less.. bruised.
I also know in my heart of hearts that this whole experience and Tantric journey will increase not only mine and Dave’s confidence but also improve our communication. I reckon our relationship will be unlike any other I’ve ever experienced before. Oh and the sex will by dynamite too *grin*
