I have chosen to Speak with you today about the unspoken pressure of male performance and ejaculation.
We still have this thinking in society that sex is something that we do and sex is something that happens to us.
With this line of thinking it means that our sharing of sex becomes the responsibility of the other and the responsibility of the other for our pleasure.
The responsibility of the other for our orgasm. The responsibility of the other as to whether our sex life is for filling and satisfactory or not.
And with this making our sex about solely about the other, about the external and about something happening to us, it applies a lot of pressure to our partner. Specifically this pressure is applied to male performance.
We have this thinking that it is a man that gives us an orgasm, It is a man that gives us a satisfactory sex life or not.
This pressure applied to men to be this all singing, all dancing provider of the orgasms, the fulfilling sex life, is a pressure that men really do not speak of.
A pressure, from what I have seen from working with men that is consistently running in the background programming of their mind. That is their responsibility to make this sharing of sex amazing.
Therefore if there is constantly in this thinking, there is something they have to do to provide this amazing experience for woman and there orgasms, they are not truly in their body, in their sexuality, in the moment, or connected with their lover.
Very often they are thinking about what they need to do and what they need to do next. And because of this performance anxiety with a huge responsibility to give to the other, to make something good and satisfactory for the other, men are not in their bodies for their sexual connections, they are attending to sex from their head.
When we live life from our head and not from a space of body this can cause performance anxiety. Anxiety is when we are not in the here and now, when we are worried about something that could happen in the future based on a past experience or we are thinking of the future as we have a concern as to what could possibly happen.
With performance anxiety men are suffering from premature ejaculation and the inability to maintain an erection.
So I want to expand a little bit on premature ejaculation.
Again premature ejaculation is because a man is in his head. He is in the mind of doing rather than being fully present with his partner.
Premature ejaculation is often because the sex is so action based and because of the consistent friction. There does not have to be this constant friction and action in sex. There can be moments of pausing, there can be moments of sensuality. There can be moments of really being there with the other. Sex does not require action at all, let alone constant action. If our sexual interactions are not based purely on penetration and friction then ejaculation will not happen before we desire it to.
As women we have been taught to have tight vaginas. Again this causes premature ejaculation for men.
We are not supposed to have tight vaginas because as women this causes us sexual health difficulties. We are meant to have supple and flexible, soft vaginas that are able to mould around and fit around our lover.
Another reason for premature ejaculation is because this goal mentality that we have, to get somewhere with our sex.
We are not in the present moment, are not connected to our breath, to our body and the body of the other.
We are thinking about where we need to get to. And of course if we are thinking about where we need to get to then ejaculation happens before we may desire it to.
Premature ejaculation may also be caused by the energy of fire, of excitement. Rather than sex being a slow simmer and build up …
On top of premature ejaculation, there is then erectile dysfunction. And again this may be for many reasons which I am going to touch lightly upon.
Erectile dysfunction is again because men are not completely and fully in there body, in connection with their Lingam.
We are are very “headistic” society, living life from our heads most of the time.
The constant rush rush, do do, got to get to, got to have, got to achieve … leaving very little in our energy, in our energetic system to nourish our reproductive organs. Also if we are living in our head, we are not really in relationship with our feet, let alone the Lingam.
Another reason, may be that some women are too much in there masculine energy and there is no sexual play or balance. This is simply not appealing to the man and his masculine is not been met by the feminine. If a woman in is in her masculinity to much in the relationship, there is an energetic play not being met in the man and may leave him feeling withdrawing from his own masculinity and over empowered.
Erectile dysfunction can be because of stress.
They can be due to our foods and plastics containing too much oestrogen, causing a hormonal imbalance.
And last of all men are not supposed to have these raging, stalking erections the length of time that we expect them to.
That during our sexual interactions a man will have a hard erection and then he may become soft… And this is okay.
In these moments there are are there are other parts of the body that we can be taking pleasure in and exploration.
Caressing, licking, smelling, kissing other parts of the body. then coming back to the Lingam.
Sex can be a sharing of play of the whole body. Redirecting the focus from the Lingam, giving the body space to breathe and then we can come back …
We have this idea that men are supposed to have an erection for a certain length of time, to retain ejaculation for a certain length of time. It is therefore in fact our ideas and expectations of sex and what that “should” look like that supports male shame, for in that they feel they are not “performing or meeting standards”
So maybe it is time to soften our expectations around the performance of sex, and actually check in with ourselves if they are even realistic or not …
This dropping of expectations and focus on the performance, would ease the pressure for all and instead allow breathing space for our sexual encounters to be an organic journey and a true meeting of two people.