Today a new twist playfully comes to me of the value of practising safe sex.

Of course and absolutely our relationships of sexual activity need to ensure we attend to and take care of our sexual health and that of our partners.

Yet with that respectfully in mind that is not the practice of safe sex I desire to write of today.

When all aspects of who we are feels met and and we feel safe within our self and our relationships, sex hungers to come out to explore, connect and play.

Safety is essential to the flow of our sexual energy. It asks that we feel safe in our body, safe in our relationships and safe in our environment.

For sex to be experienced in its full aliveness, safety is the doorway to more.

My own experience of feeling safe in sex has not created what one may imagine as reading these words, that safe sex is without fire, for it is the felt knowing I am safe that has opened my body and sexual energy to more…

More bliss.

More ecstasy.

More connection .

More power .

More union .

More love  …

Simply, deliciously opening and blooming as a flower into more.

Always new, always alive, always present .

What has led me to save sex has not been a dumping of responsibility onto a partner.

Of course who we are with and how we feel with them matters to safety but to feel truly safe begins with self. 

The rich inner enquiry of our own relationship to our body, our sex and our power.

Even with the most attentive, adoring partner, if we are bringing unconscious messages to the bedroom, our body remains on guard, preventing us from allowing, receiving and moving as one with heart and sex.

When our internal landscape is clear of the narrative of limiting beliefs, shame, guilt, fear and even the unhealthy misuse or misinterpretation of what sex is and the role we are educated to conform to, we are receptive to feeling safe with a partner.

Experiencing feeling safe with a partner when we have established safety within our own sexual energy and body offers us a profound leap.

How we feel when we are with others, whether we are consciously aware or not, informs our nervous system, our body and our sexual being if the other is able to meet and hold us in the rawness of vulnerability, so we may flower and open to the life expanding and ecstatic states available to us within the union of sex.

How can we create safe sex?

Creating safety in sex is through the journey of intimacy. We have this belief that intimacy is about the doing of sex. This idea only restricts intimacy being grown in a relationship, for what it truly is, the rich ground upon which lovers are able to surrender into the longed for freedom of unconditional sex and unconditional love.

Attending to and taking responsibility for our own sexual healing: When we can allow ourselves to be truly met, cared for, seen , we feel safe. We feel we can flower and open to other, surrender and receive. Allowing our small self to dissolve is the door to intimacy.

But if we hide behind what we deem unloveable and bury our shame and unworthiness, we create a gap within self and between others and bring into the “playing field” of the bedroom the chaos and destruction of our pain and fear to play itself out.

Holding onto the wounding around sex, our body and our broken trust will just keep giving us more of the same, creating disconnect between our self and feeling safe in the power of sensations that arousal stirs within.

Knowing the guards of our heart: Feeling safe asks for our heart to be available. An overprotected heart cannot open to trust or to the blissful fulfilment of love and sex.

Touch: For touch to feel safe and offer new pathways of pleasure it has to move from sexually focused and goal oriented, for if a person is only touched with the unspoken intention that it may lead to sex, our bodies can find it more challenging to soften and instead guard against or withdraw. To ensure there is touch in the relationship that is purely and divinely the simplicity of touch brings new levels of trust and in turn receptivity into a relationship.

Respect and appreciation: For sex to grow, the outside of the bedroom has to feed what happens inside the bedroom. Sex is not turn on and off-able, even though we have high expectations of ourselves and our partners that it ought to be available at the flick of a light switch.

We want … need to feel that we are respected and appreciated within the container of the relationship. And that we also respect and appreciate our lover.

Carved time: When we create time for our lover, we are ensuring we are present.

When we are present, we are open and available not only to our Partners body, but our own body and the sensations and desires moving within ourselves.

We are more aware of our needs and wants and more able to meet the needs and wants of our lover. Sex without presence does not resonate with creating a feeling of safety, for we are not open to the moment or person before us but scattered in many directions time.

Creating time for touch, for communication, for sex, for playfulness, nourishes the relationship. It says this matters, this is of value.

Honest Communication: There used to be a saying that a little white lie hurts less than the truth. Excusing dishonesty as a way to protect those we love. The challenge with this bizzare idea is that spoken or unspoken dishonesty is a felt elephant in any relationship.

If we take a pause and breath and drop into our heart, we can allow ourselves to speak from heart not hurt without fear of conflict or consequences. Being able to feel that we can ask for what we want and need, and how we are feeling, without judgement or fear of upsetting other is essential to our sex.

Sex and Voice energetically work harmoniously together in opening us up … or bubble and boil underneath towards destruction.

Boundaries: Communication enables us to express our boundaries and ask for them to be valued. Boundaries do not keep people out, they ensure that we are appreciated and respectfully met.

Emotional Maturity: Being able to notice what is yours and what is the others is key to emotional maturity and the ability to attend to the emotion with compassion. Emotion is a feeling in motion that offers an an opportunity for growth when we do not go into story but into the possibility to know our self and the other, more.

When we are able to share how we are feeling without projection or making the other responsible, we build a feeling of being held and deepen our potential to connect with our lover in the present moment, rather than the past or future.