Why do I hold my breath during sex?

Holding the breath during sex is a common experience, and there can be a multitude of reasons why.

The key is to explore what lies beneath what has become an habitual pattern of breathing. To meet yourself with understanding and compassion, rather than trying hard to change the breath or fix the situation… because that effort can add to contraction and tension in the body, rather than offering ease and space.

The reasons breath is held during sex are individual to each of us. And once realised and understood, they can offer an opportunity to grow and experience greater intimacy and connection with self and others.

3 common reasons you might hold your breath during sex

1) I hold my breath during sex to stay quiet and not make a sound

Our exhale naturally makes sound as it leaves the body and lips.

And we naturally make sound in moments of pleasure.

Holding the breath can stem from childhood or teenage experiences where we were shamed for self-pleasure, or where we learned that desire made us “bad”.

To keep the curiosities of the body hidden and secret, we may have learned to control the breath and its natural sounds.

2) I hold my breath during sex to maintain control over orgasm or sensation

Holding the breath during sex can be a way to maintain control over the sensations of orgasm.

This may be because sensation feels overwhelming, or because it doesn’t feel safe to lose oneself.

It can also be a way of holding onto the body’s tensions and stories. The familiar patterns that keep intimacy limited to what we know and can control.

Sometimes it’s tied to performance. To being “good”. To doing sex “right”.

3) I hold my breath during sex because sensation feels like a potential threat

For some, sensation is not neutral.

It can feel like a threat.

We might hold our breath to stay away from the genitals and the sensations being stimulated. This can be especially true when there have been past experiences of sexual abuse.

Gentle ways to relax and breathe during sex

It is essential not to make yourself wrong.

That only reinforces the idea that there is something you have to fix about yourself or your body, and it creates more tension and contraction.

The approach needs to be self-kindness. Respect. Care.

It can also help to be curious and playful with the breath… exploring what happens when you breathe like this… and then breathe like that…

The breath can only be altered in the moment of holding, with self-awareness.

And it can be softer to explore your connection to breath, body and sensation away from the act of sex first. So the breath can find a rhythm and flow as part of everyday life, and from that place begin to meet sensation with more ease.

In the moment, you might notice:

• When you hold your breath, what is going on inside?
• Is there feeling? Mental chatter? A story that pulls you away?
• Can you choose new by returning to belly and breath?

And from there, you can apply your new experiences of breath into sexual interactions… establishing connection, presence and pleasure with a partner, and moving into more integrated moments of intimacy, love and bliss.